Jobsite Productivity Down 500%, Instagram to Blame Trades Trends 

Jobsite Productivity Down 2500%, Instagram to Blame

UNITED STATES – Jobsite productivity numbers fell again in the second quarter, dropping 2500% from October 2010 when Instagram officially launched. We interviewed a local Instagram celebrity to see what it’s like to balance trade and Instagram careers. “In order to take full advantage of Instagram’s algorithm, you have to keep your Feed, Stories, and IGTV updated constantly,” said @sanfranframer.… Read More
Construction Worker Sent Home After Arriving to Work in a Subaru Trends 

Construction Worker Sent Home After Arriving to Work in a Subaru

MONTGOMERY – A local construction manager was escorted away from his first day on the job after showing up in a Subaru Outback, according to local union representatives. “While we respect Mr. Anderson’s extensive 20-year experience working in the Pacific Northwest, driving anything other than a Ford F-series pickup violates the terms of our labor contracts,” said Union President, Johnny… Read More
D.R. Horton to Cease Home Construction and Focus on Farmer's Markets Trends 

D.R. Horton to Cease Home Construction and Focus on Farmer’s Markets

ARLINGTON – Citing prophet-like visions of the future and a radical change in their CEO’s diet, D.R. Horton has announced it will immediately cease all construction projects to focus on building farmer’s markets. “What most major cities and small towns across America are missing are high-quality farmer’s markets,” notes David Auld, CEO of D.R. Horton. “Donald Ray believed in providing… Read More
Amazon Stocks Tank as ICE Deports Illegal Tools TR Trends 

Amazon Stocks Tank as ICE Deports Illegal Tools

MIAMI – Citing an anonymous tip, ICE agents raided docks in Miami, FL early Tuesday morning, detaining trillions of dollars worth of undocumented power tools and accessories in preparation for deportation. As news broke that every single one was sold on Amazon, stocks plummeted to 500-year lows in response. “We’re working tirelessly to ensure all the tools that made it… Read More
California Mulls Fines For Excessive Job Site Flatulence Trends 

California Mulls Fines for Excessive Job Site Flatulence

SACRAMENTO – Citing a threat to increased global warming and outdoor air quality, California is mulling a new set of fines for excessive job site flatulence. “We’ve researched this for a long time and found a direct correlation between rising global temperatures and chili cheese burrito consumption in both Northern and Southern California construction job sites,” cited Abby Lawrence, director… Read More
Instagrammer Admits Wife Builds All His Projects Trends 

Social Media Scandal: Instagrammer Admits Wife Builds All His Projects

MINNESOTA – In one of the largest social media scandals of the year, Instagrammer @toolhog admitted publicly that, in fact, his wife really builds all his projects. The short video clip was published this week over the official @toolhog IG channel using stories. “I can’t hide behind the lie anymore,” said Peter “Toolhog” Spruce, weeping profusely. “For years she’s been… Read More
exchange rate Instagram Likes Trends 

Man Unhappy With Bank’s Exchange Rate for 450,000 Instagram Likes

Disillusioned and depressed, a man left the First Bank of Cleveland today, unhappy with the bank’s meager exchange rate for his 450,000 Instagram likes. “I really thought they would be worth more,” said Stanley, an Instagrammer who used to run his own remodeling business before going full time as a social media expert. “I mean, I spend most of my… Read More
hot 22 year olds marketing Trends 

Another Tool Company Hands Over Marketing to Team of Hot 22-year olds to Capitalize on “That Social Media Stuff”

CHICAGO – In a daring move costing hundreds of thousands of dollars in labor investment, a tool company handed over all of its marketing to a team of hot 22-year old blondes hoping to capitalize on “all that social media stuff”.  “We know that Instagram is the latest thing, but we know nothing about social media. I mean, we just… Read More