ATLANTIC OCEAN – With Dorian threatening the Florida Coast for Labor Day weekend, now seems like a great time to put together our official Hurricane Preparation Guide. We interviewed our new local Emergency Manager, Katrina Hugo who just graduated from Andrews High School to get some expert advice. Without further ado, get your notepad out and get ready to take notes!
When Should We Pay Attention to the “Cone of Uncertainty”?
“72 hours before the hurricane is scheduled to make landfall, check the track. You want to be in the dead center—it’s a 100% guarantee that you’re safe. The weatherman doesn’t know **** at that point and he’s just making it up based on 6,000 random computer tracks.
The worst place to be is the edge of the cone because you know that thing’s going to wobble, baby!”
Do We Really Need to Get Gas Early?
“Even if you don’t have a generator, fill up any gas cans you have. Then you can sell it to your procrastinating neighbors for $10 a gallon once all the gas stations are out. Then, because they’re so grateful, invite yourself over to enjoy the cold beer in their working refrigerator.
Fill up your gas tank. too. You’re going to want to drive around and look at the carnage from your air-conditioned car. You can cover a lot more ground that way and it’s much more comfortable.
While you’re at it, make sure your phone is charged, too. You can’t post your own viral weather videos to Instagram if it’s dead.”
How Can We Deal with Anxiety About the Storm?
“If you’re in the path of a hurricane, nothing takes away the fear of death, injury, and property damage like a good hurricane party! If you’re not already living on the beach, move your party to it.
Liquor up and invite everybody over for it and I mean everybody. This could be the day that you become the epic center of every story your friends and family talk about until the next big storm. And if you’re lucky, the Weather Channel will show up and play your party clips over and over and over…”
How Do You Prepare Your House?
“Have you been to the home improvement store lately? Plywood is freakin’ EXPENSIVE. Forget that and just put Xs on your windows with duct tape. That’s for sure going to hold them together when a 500-pound oak branch slams into it. Plus you won’t need any tools to install it.”
What About Emergency Supplies?
“Don’t worry about the first 24 hours. You’re going to be sleeping off your hurricane party and nobody ever really loses their water system.
Knowing where multiple FEMA locations are is crucial. You can visit each one once a day to get cases of water and food and even some free tarps. Hell, they don’t even really check that you’re only coming through once a day. Hit it in the morning and again in the evening. Do that twice a day for the 2, 3, or 4 weeks that they’re there, and you’ll save hundreds on groceries!
You can use all of those tarps you collected for all kinds of things—play camping in the backyard with your kids, drop cloths the next time you need to paint, covering up that 1968 Chevy rusting away on the back 40… the possibilities are endless!
And it’s all on Uncle Sam’s dime. Don’t fret. You paid in, it’s time they paid out!”
We’re not completely heartless bastards even if we do have a twisted, sarcastic sense of humor. For all of you in the path of this storm and future ones, stay safe and we hope you laugh with us a little.