In a move reminiscent of a bench-clearing brawl between the Yankees and Red Sox, Lowe’s has cleared store aisles and shelving of every brand that’s not Craftsman.
“Sales of Craftsman tools have crushed all other brands by such a wide margin that we decided every single tool will now be replaced by Craftsman,” said Lowe’s CEO Marvin Ellison at a recent press conference, working himself into a frenzy. “We’ll also be re-branding our paint and even our commercial services departments. “If it ain’t red, it’s dead,” that’s our new tool department motto. C’mon, say it with me!”
In a photo tweeted by @milwaukee4eva, Milwaukee Tool executives appeared amused as they watched the press conference via live stream from their Brookfield headquarters.
Stanley Black and Decker could not be reached for comment. We did, however, spot our local Lowe’s store hoisting up an oversized Craftsman Tools sign to place next to the big white Lowe’s logo on the front of the local retailer.