ARLINGTON – Citing prophet-like visions of the future and a radical change in their CEO’s diet, D.R. Horton has announced it will immediately cease all construction projects to focus on building farmer’s markets.
“What most major cities and small towns across America are missing are high-quality farmer’s markets,” notes David Auld, CEO of D.R. Horton. “Donald Ray believed in providing exceptional homes, but he never came home late for supper. After dominating the residential construction market 12 years in a row, we believe he would be proud of our new focus that ensures our homeowners will have access to the best organic farm-to-table products.
“We’re going to empower America’s farmers to bring their produce, baked goods, meat, craft beer, moonshine, honey, and candles right into the neighborhoods we’ve already built using the best damn pop-up canopies ever built, and it’s D.R. Horton that’s going to build them. We’re going to be so widespread, even Wal-Mart will start closing their doors!”
Tool Reporter traveled to D.R. Horton’s headquarters to clarify whether the public will be allowed to shop in D.R. Horton gated communities. “We don’t know what the **** is going on,” shrugged a frenzied-looking employee in the lobby of D.R. Horton’s marketing division.