MIAMI – Citing an anonymous tip, ICE agents raided docks in Miami, FL early Tuesday morning, detaining trillions of dollars worth of undocumented power tools and accessories in preparation for deportation. As news broke that every single one was sold on Amazon, stocks plummeted to 500-year lows in response.
“We’re working tirelessly to ensure all the tools that made it across the docks to storage areas are able to stay, though we may see a slight delay in our same-day and two-day Prime deliveries,” said Jeff Bezos, President and CEO of Amazon. “Just because a Chinese company makes a “Milwaukee” battery that happens to look just like a real battery from Milwaukee Tool shouldn’t exclude it from entering into the US marketplace, even if it does violate thousands of current patents. We need to embrace open market borders and the fact that when you pair a knock-off, excuse me, third-party battery with a tool, it usually works out just fine for a few days. We’re confident in the consumer’s ability to find what they need at a great price without caring if it’s a genuine product.”
Tool Reporter reached out to Amazon and was told that all customers that have been affected will receive 10-1/2 months of Prime free of charge and a mixed breed puppy of unknown origin.